Gene: You can’t mention 79 food without mentioning Gene. His style has been described as “nouveau-American” and he surely wins the superlative of “Best Smelling Food”. Gone are the days of Tofu stir frying and broccoli steaming, as Gene has turned his back on his younger days of cooking decidedly pussy-ass meals. Gene can now be seen whipping out multi-pound teriyaki tuna burgers while sipping a Gin and Tonic.
Elias: Elias’s cooking is, to put it blatantly, a caricature of its creator, and a microcosm for the world that we find ourselves in. It is marked by a certain need for external validation that encumbers greatness while achieving a consistent level of mediocre goodness that is hated by none but loved by just as many. Elias can be consistently heard asking how to marinade a chicken. Not to dwell on this hilarious gap in Mr. Breadie’s culinary knowledge, but this has been a constant issue for him, dating back to a time when he needed to call Phallus to ask him how long he should cook chicken for. Despite his struggle to find banal answers that most humans would be able to figure out through simple trial and error, and that are similarly available on the internet in a total fact-finding process that would take the average college student mere seconds, Breadie has used his network of human resources to develop a solid cookbook. These foods include an oversized Tupperware filled with pasta, mozzarella, tomato and basil, and going to Dave’s with Scottie.
Robby: Robby’s food consumption and creation is much like his love life – capricious, inconsistent, sloppy, but somehow above average. The greatest flaw in Bob-o’s food preparation is his food clean-up, a process marked by a balls-deep apathy and a general lack of the typical human feelings of guilt for messying others’ living space. I personally question Sam KS’s influence on this newfound trend. But putting instances of weeks-old mac and cheese behind us, Robby has made many contributions to the gastrointestinal habits of the cookie cave. He is the most prolific contributor to the group food fund, and this quantity is by no means hedged by quality – I have dined on many a fine cookie and chili provided by the Perkins-High home. In general, Robby is a staunch under-performer. We have frequently seen his domestic prowess at Applesauce Day and The PH Pig Roast, but this has yet to coalesce into in-kitchen performance. He is the Wily Mo Pena of 79Food.
Jadler: Lean Pockets. Making Robby cook his pasta for him. Chicken Parm calzones. Easily the worst cook of the floor, and most likely the entire house. Style: “Traditional Canadian.”
DH: DH’s cooking style has been described as “Douchebag Fusion.” Having strayed from his “Blacken that shit” mentality of junior year, DH now opts for tossing Mexican ingredients into the basin-bowl and has even been seen cooking the occasional Crock-Pot stew. The creation of this blog may inspire him to reach new culinary heights. (Editor's Note: Dickhole is a corn dog enthusiast)
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