79 Chef Madden Rankings - Numbers Don't Lie

Key Highlights:

Elias (worst chef): 50.18

·      Cooking Knowledge - 28 - Kid cooks a pasta dish or makes Trader Joe’s easy to cook meals.

·      Creativity - 14 - Literally no variety or inspiration, just the same pasta dish every time.

·      General Awareness - 2 - “Yeah I can talk on the phone now.” - Elias, in a room with 4 other people and the TV on.

·      Use of Primary Sources - 97 - Elias’ strongest (maybe weakest?) point - he very effectively asks people how to do everything.

·      Durability - 23 - A rib injury has kept him out of yoga for almost a month now. Squid.

Josh (4^th place); 58.35

·      Willingness to Cook - 2 - pretty self-explanatory, will  do anything to avoid cooking, including splitting food with Robby so he cooks it for him.

·      Cooking Knowledge - 9 - Nowhere to go but up. Jadler hits a ceiling at complicated foods such as tortellini and western omelettes.

·      Microwave Ability - 98 - He really just blows away the competition here (besides DH), with an uncanny ability to make almost anything in the microwave, including but not limited to lean pockets, beans, and bagels.

·      Cook Speed - 95 - Directly related to his microwave ability, Jadler’s longest cook time might be however long it takes to make rice - but he’s usually done in under 5 minutes with everything else anyways.

Nick (T-2^nd place): 74.35

·      Creativity - 97 - Dickhole will throw literally anything into the croc-pot or a”salad” with no regard for convention or past precedents.

·      Microwave Ability - 94 - Second only to Jadler, kid knows how to get a quick meal out the microwave.

·      Ordering Take Out Skills - 99 - Literally no one has more experience than Nick at this. Again, his disregard for widely accepted conventions really helps him here, such as the 11 am Chinese food order or the calzone order at literally anytime of the day.

·      Use of Primary Sources - 0 - Call it pride, call it apathy, but Nick never asks for anyone’s help or opinion. Can be heard yelling, “I don’t need this!” when unsolicited advice is offered.

Robby (T-2^nd place): 74.35

·      Potential - 95 - The flashes of brilliance that Robby has shown and his family’s remarkable prowess make the sky the limit for Bobby.

·      Cooking Knowledge - 93 - Knows when and how to use things such as olive oil and online recipes.

·      Willingness to Clean Dishes - 2 - “I have no issue cleaning other parts of the house, I just don’t like dishes.”

·      Flick Huck - 90 - He just throws dimes, although his backhand huck is much better.

Gene (1^st place): 81.24

·      Willingness to Cook - 96 - Gene loves the satisfaction of making dinner, whether for himself or for friends. Gene is Taylor’s role model in the kitchen.

·      Willingness to Clean Dishes - 93 - Nothing Gene hates more than dirty dishes, especially when no one cleans the pots. But Gene aggressively washes his dishes his immediately.

·      Microwave Ability - 65 - Barely scraping by with a passing grade, Gene believes in things such as the “oven” or “cooking things on the stove.”

·      Food Stores in Case of Emergency - 14 - Just a barren shelf of perishable goods. Elias has plenty of pasta and bread products for the long haul, Jadler has frozen goods and Hurricane Sandy worthy quantities of knock-off Frosted Mini-Wheats, Nick has a freezer full of meat and Robby has enough Wheat Thins to last at least a week.