DH and Robby's Battle of the Bash Bros Preview

After much speculation, Jadler’s 2013 Chef Rankings were finally released on Tuesday. Critics and spectators alike were shocked to find the bread-loving Elias Kahan in last place. Kahan had previously wowed housemates with his mozzarella-basil-tomato pasta, and annoyed them with incessant questions regarding how to cook anything and everything (including conversations with his mom in front of the TV about how to cook the aforementioned pasta dish, which is especially remarkable since the dish is simply pasta mixed with raw mozzarella, basil, and tomato).
These same critics and spectators ceased being shocked when they realized the chef in second to last place was the piece’s author, Josh Adler. Despite the fact that these rankings were clearly biased, Elias remained upset over his placement, and was described as “rattled” by 79 analyst “Big Bucks Benny” Ewing. DH questioned if this was what led Elias to send out dumb emails, but then realized that he had been doing that since before the rankings were released.

This actually happened.

Bread Lettuce’s complaints soon turned to cries of conspiracy, citing questionable scores of 2 in “General Awareness” and 4 in “Intangibles”. Tensions rose as the intriguingly hairy faces of both men moved closer and closer, and cries of “Come at me, bro!” hurtled through the air. It was clear that there was only one solution...

IRON CHEF 79: The Battle of the Bash Bros
Because who needs Iron Chefs 1 through 78?
  VS   

Tonight at 8, the battle for Bash Bro kitchen supremacy will be decided once and for all. In one hour of pure, uncut, man on man action, each contestant will be required to make a meal out of various ingredients supplied by DH and Robby. A panel of celebrity judges will have the final say, evaluating the meals on the grounds of taste, presentation and originality. Oh yeah, and intangibles. Can’t forget those.

Chef Profile: Joshua Robinson Adler

Style: Traditional Canadian

Strengths:
- Top-ranked microwave user. While this may seem like a joke, there will be limited oven space, so competitors will need to be scrappy in there
- Common sense
- Blatant disregard for societal norms

Weaknesses:
- Unsure if he knows how to operate an oven. Or the toaster for that matter
- Will probably try to make a homemade Lean Pocket out of whatever ingredients we give him
- He’s really never made any food for himself. Unless reheating a Trader Joe’s pizza counts. Which it doesn’t
- Laziness: He may actually just give up

Projected Performance:
Josh will most likely eat a decent portion of his raw ingredients before he cooks anything. After that, it’s really anybody’s guess. He’ll probably try to make a calzone and/or Western Omelet. When that fails he’ll scavenge up a Lean Pocket.  

Chef Profile: E Bro Tro Fro Flo Lias Lias Lettuce Kahan

Style: Fratboy Oriental

Strengths:
- Went abroad to Hong Kong. May bring some oriental spice to 79’s kitchen
- Has cooked food before
- Burning need for validation

Weaknesses:
- Has needed to ask for detailed instructions on how to cook anything
- Long hair may cause multiple health code violations
- Easily rattled by heckling
- Store your opened tomato sauce in the fridge, not the pantry, Elias

Projected Performance:
Will try for roughly 15 minutes to ask the audience 1.) for advice on what to cook and 2.) how exactly to cook it. After this fails, he will attempt to throw random vegetables into a large tupperware container with some pasta. He’ll probably end up leaving the gas on the stove running and kill us all.

Jadler’s key to success:
Hit early and hit often- Let’s be honest, Jadler’s success hinges on Elias making bad food, not Josh making good food. Rather than attempting to “cut”, “bake”, or “saute” his own food, Jadler’s efforts should be focused on mentally mincing Elias into a whimpering puddle.

Elias’ key to succes:
Win the microwave, win the war- As Diet Coke is to Jadler’s consumption, the microwave is to his cooking. If Elias can monopolize the zapper, there is very little chance that Jadler will even make an attempt to cook his ingredients. It’s unclear if he even knows where the oven is.

PREDICTION: Jadler 0, Elias -7
After becoming more concerned by Cenzo breaking his high score in Geometry Wars in the living room than making food, Jadler will take a moment to collect his thoughts on the couch. He will promptly fall asleep. Elias, victory seemingly in hand, will don the gorilla suit and pound the troll pecs. But with no one to reference, he will settle on serving his salmon “au natural”, coating the raw fish in a thin drizzle of molded tomato sauce. With the judges decidedly food poisoned, the Bread Man will pull off the unprecedented negative score in the 0-20 scale. Victory, Dingus.


Be sure to follow the event live tonight with @79food, starting at 8pm Eastern.