Temporary
contributing writer Rickles here.
One of the few problems with the blog so far is the relevance it has to
people who don’t actually live at 79; however, for anyone who has hooked-up
with someone, passed out, or otherwise spent a lot of time at 79[1],
cooking food in their kitchen is necessary. You never know if you’re gonna need some mac n’ cheese or a
Trader Joe’s frozen meal at two in the morning. Below is an easy-to-read guide in Do and Don’t gimmick format
Don’t use their
grill unless you like your food burnt.
That grill has two heat settings: High and
holy-shitballs-did-we-just-transport-to-hell. Not to mention the fact that it is a standing grease fire
waiting to happen. Seriously, only
the most skilled of cooks and firemen should approach that metal fire hazard.
Do use their toaster
and Panini maker. These are the
two most reliable appliances in their kitchen and consistently produce edible
food in an easy-to-make manner.
Don’t steal
Nick’s frozen Oreos[2]. He gets very, very mad
(uncharacteristic I know).
Do steal Elias’
Oreos. He doesn’t eat them often
and has been known to let them go stale.
You’re actually doing him a favor.
Don’t do
dishes. They will all just assume
that Robby forgot to do them.
Do rinse out solo
cups. For your own health. You never know what was in those cups or
if you’ll have to drink out of them.
Don’t steal a
piece of Jadler’s chicken parm calzone. (Editor's Note: Seriously. Don't do it)
Do nicely ask for
a piece of Jadler’s chicken parm calzone.
Don’t eat your
food on the kitchen table. That
table is for drinking purposes only and its cleanliness reflects that.
Do eat your food
on the coffee table in the living room.
Oh wait, they got rid of that.
Pricks. Just eat your food
off the fucking floor like an animal[3]
and leave all your goddamn dishes there too for people to knock over and spill.
Don’t use their
aluminum foil or Nick will get unreasonably angry at you and Gene will agree
with a yelling Nick for possible the first time in their storied relationship
Do use their
paper towels or paper towel substitutes.
It’s not like they paid for it and Jesus Christ, you’re just trying to
clean up a part of their house that you may or may not have thrown up on.
Don’t sleep on
the couches.
Do sleep in
Robby’s bed. He likes to snuggle.
That’s what I have so far but I expect to be around these
parts every once in a while so keep an eye out. Whenever you hear someone throwing up in the second floor
bathroom or a spilled drink on the living room floor, I’ll be there.
[1] I consider
79 a fourth homeA. My power rankings of my homes: 1. 40 Ossipee 2.
My home home 3. The rez. 4. 79
A. Besides footnoting the footnote, the purpose of
this footfoot note is to give you my qualifications. I have spent most of my time drunk at college for the past
year and a half at 79 as well as living there this past summer on the third
floor. The third floor kitchen is
so small that even hobbits find it oppressive so I spent a lot of the summer
cooking on the second floor.
[2] The only
frozen dessert item that I think Nick likes more than these are Klondike bars
and if you steal one of them he will actually kill you.
[3] Still
cleaner than the kitchen table
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